In my life as a builder I became more and more aware of the importance of clear, open communication.

I looked at where and how disputes seemed to arise.

One of the BIG light bulbs going off for me was realizing that much dispute seems to arise over assumptions and interpretations. It is often very innocent, but people do interpret things differently and make differing assumptions. It may be totally unconscious, but it happens, and it can lead to conflict.

So how do I clarify these things, I asked myself. Well, ask more questions, the answer came back. In my early years as a builder when I had a partner, I assumed that customers pretty much said what they wanted and said what was on their minds.

Well, sometimes what they meant and how I heard it were not quite in synch. Or they might not state enough information. Oooh, potential breeding ground for trouble. Sound familiar at all?

Did I learn this all at once? Did I have it down pat in a few weeks? Uhhh, no. I had to keep learning at a deeper level. I had to dip my toe in the water and keep asking more questions. Sometimes I would say something like, “I may be a little dense, but can you tell me more about what you mean here?”

A little humble pie example here: I spent weeks and weeks planning a job with a couple who were leaving for the whole winter. The night before they were leaving I went to their house to sign our contract. They were bombed and trying to get me to drink with them. Then it went down hill. My little inner voice said “Run for your life!” But I didn’t. We took on the job. One detail of it was to build some “storage” in one corner on one wall. My interpretation was shelves. His was a whole built-in with cabinetry underneath. I never asked more questions. Ouch.

So, as I gracefully learned more about asking questions (!*^), I even started to ask some customers about how they would be using their home when we were done. Did they entertain a lot? Did they value their privacy a lot? Did they like a lot of sunlight? And so on…Based on their answers I might then ask more questions or make suggestions regarding features they may like, even if there was a full architect plan. I would also say that I had no intention of stepping on the architect’s toes and asked if they minded me bringing up these things. I just wanted them to be happy with the product.

And you know what? No customer ever said to me, “Hey, stop asking us all these questions!” Instead, they often said things like “Wow. We never expected to have conversations like this. It makes us feel safe with you. We trust you.”

Whoa. I had stumbled into something far more important than I had anticipated. They value feeling SAFE with me. They value TRUSTING me. When I really took a look at that I was honestly humbled by what they were telling me and what it meant. I have this one semi-crusty, lovable, old, wealthy customer who actually says to me, “Well, I’m still getting that warm, fuzzy feeling with you.” This is from a seriously high-powered retired industrialist. And I tell him I am happy he is, and he keeps having me back. I am grateful for that.

This is a big subject, and much more can be said, but I find that the need to ask questions and clarify really applies to all of life. It can apply to any relationship.

Any thoughts??