In my life as a builder I became more and more aware of the importance of clear, open communication.

I looked at where and how disputes seemed to arise.

One of the BIG light bulbs going off for me was realizing that much dispute seems to arise over assumptions and interpretations. It is often very innocent, but people do interpret things differently and make differing assumptions. It may be totally unconscious, but it happens, and it can lead to conflict.

So how do I clarify these things, I asked myself. Well, ask more questions, the answer came back. In my early years as a builder when I had a partner, I assumed that customers pretty much said what they wanted and said what was on their minds.

Well, sometimes what they meant and how I heard it were not quite in synch. Or they might not state enough information. Oooh, potential breeding ground for trouble. Sound familiar at all?

Did I learn this all at once? Did I have it down pat in a few weeks? Uhhh, no. I had to keep learning at a deeper level. I had to dip my toe in the water and keep asking more questions. Sometimes I would say something like, “I may be a little dense, but can you tell me more about what you mean here?”

A little humble pie example here: I spent weeks and weeks planning a job with a couple who were leaving for the whole winter. The night before they were leaving I went to their house to sign our contract. They were bombed and trying to get me to drink with them. Then it went down hill. My little inner voice said “Run for your life!” But I didn’t. We took on the job. One detail of it was to build some “storage” in one corner on one wall. My interpretation was shelves. His was a whole built-in with cabinetry underneath. I never asked more questions. Ouch.

So, as I gracefully learned more about asking questions (!*^), I even started to ask some customers about how they would be using their home when we were done. Did they entertain a lot? Did they value their privacy a lot? Did they like a lot of sunlight? And so on…Based on their answers I might then ask more questions or make suggestions regarding features they may like, even if there was a full architect plan. I would also say that I had no intention of stepping on the architect’s toes and asked if they minded me bringing up these things. I just wanted them to be happy with the product.

And you know what? No customer ever said to me, “Hey, stop asking us all these questions!” Instead, they often said things like “Wow. We never expected to have conversations like this. It makes us feel safe with you. We trust you.”

Whoa. I had stumbled into something far more important than I had anticipated. They value feeling SAFE with me. They value TRUSTING me. When I really took a look at that I was honestly humbled by what they were telling me and what it meant. I have this one semi-crusty, lovable, old, wealthy customer who actually says to me, “Well, I’m still getting that warm, fuzzy feeling with you.” This is from a seriously high-powered retired industrialist. And I tell him I am happy he is, and he keeps having me back. I am grateful for that.

This is a big subject, and much more can be said, but I find that the need to ask questions and clarify really applies to all of life. It can apply to any relationship.

Any thoughts??

I have a mediation partner, Jeff Oppenheim. He is a busy family and business-focused attorney, and the person who urged me into mediation years ago. Wonderful guy, as honest and forthright as they come.

Jeff has called on me at different times to wear a few hats: construction expert, mediator, negotiator. We have taken to mediating together in the volunteer mediation program in our local court system on Cape Cod, and we recently had our first serious professional co-mediation experience together. It was a construction dispute. To complicate things, the builder and the couple involved were old friends. We learned a BIG thing the hard way, but we learned it.

We were trying to stay as neutral as we could, per most mediation training, although the deepest, heart-level mediation training urges one to stretch the neutral envelope. Anyway, one of the clients did their best to control the whole process, which ended up lasting for weeks. This person was the elephant in the living room who was demanding everyone’s attention while basically claiming innocence for any of the problems they were currently embroiled in. Oy, this was a tough cookie!

We finally got a settlement, but it was not pretty. And here is the big lesson we learned: We did not stake our own claim firmly enough at the very beginning regarding the process of how we work best. The “shoulda” is that we now know to tell prospective clients from the outset that in order to work best we need to be able to tell them if we think they are hurting their own case. We need to be able to tell them what we see. Traditional mediation training warns against this, but you need to make the process your own, too.

We may feel it necessary to say things they may not like. They can choose to accept what we say, stop the whole thing, walk away in a huff; it is up to them, but we need to establish this playing field. We did not do this with the above-mentioned clients, with some painful results. Sometimes you can accomplish this “reality testing” with respectful questions and reflection, but sometimes I think the message needs to be a little more blunt. We can soften the possible blow and stay respectful by asking their permission to be blunt.

So this difficult client was, in fact, a huge gift to us, even though in hindsight we can see how better to serve them.

What is the most difficult aspect of your business for you?

I would wager that it is likely people-related. Is it dealing with employees? Dealing with customers? Dealing with suppliers? Subcontractors? Someone else? All of the above?

In this technologically advanced age it is easy to forget just how important the “people factor” is. We have cars and trucks that have computers in them that are more sophisticated than the consumer computers of not too long ago. We are wired in, linked in, electronically connected and consumed to a degree that most of us probably could not have dreamt of just a few years back.

We text message, email, voicemail, interface, etc. etc. Our physical world is more complex than ever. The construction industry is constantly changing in terms of products and equipment. There are now endless computer programs to help manage the business. And the usual pace of everything seems to keep cranking up.

When you get down to it, though, it still all runs on people. The fanciest computer program in the world can’t do a darned thing for human relations. The best tools and craftsmen in the world can’t repair broken relationships.

With the pressures and complexity of running a construction business or related business today, it is easy to lose track of the importance of the people factor. And yet, the effects of not addressing the people issues can be bothersome at the least and perhaps totally destructive.

When people are noticed, listened to and valued there are powerful responses. When there is an atmosphere of honesty, respect and camaraderie, work life flows much better.

People are happier, they work better together, they are more effective, and the fact is, the bottom line is positively influcenced.

Let’s say you are a business owner in the construction industry or in a related field. There is some old “wisdom” that says not to give anything away. This “wisdom” says you should not reveal your hand. You should not let customers know your expenses. And you should get as much money as you can.

I am a small construction business owner myself. I certainly do believe in profit and in being paid fairly. We should be paid fairly for quality work. We should be able to retire some day and take vacations along the way and reap benefit from our hard work.

I also believe we should approach our businesses with a generosity of spirit. When we make it very important to serve our customers, when we are grateful for them and we want to give them the best of yourself, we actually attract more generosity and appreciation from them.

When I started treating customers in this fashion they started treating me with value that actually surprised me. One friend from years ago who worked for me at times when he was not working on his own said he had never seen customers chase the builder to hand him money, as some of mine did. “How do you do it?” he asked incredulously.

Mainly, I was there to serve my customers to the best of my abilities while doing my best to be true to myself at the same time. In fact, treating them well WAS and IS part of being true to myself. And they perceived and appreciated this.

To be honest, I have overworked and obsessed over my business more than I should have, and I know I have not been alone in these imbalances! And I have also had numerous customers who have clearly valued me. Customers who have given me and sometimes my key people bonuses. Customers who have insisted on taking me to dinner. Customers who became friends and who I want to keep in my life.

How did I achieve this level of relationship? I made taking care of my customers thoroughly and honestly my priority. When I did this, and they were totally convinced I was working hard for them, they did not begrudge me my money. It was a win-win flow. And boy, it felt good. It felt good to take good care of them. It felt good to be appreciated. It felt good to make a decent living after having shortchanged myself for too long.

When my generosity towards my customers increased, my own bank account grew. This may sound paradoxical, but it really is not. There is a natural law which governs this experience. And I went to bed feeling that I had served my customers well and honestly.

I took note of their priorities and generally asked about them outright. I looked for little clues. Did they seem disturbed about something? Did they seem extra pleased? Was there something else going on in their life that was especially difficult or disturbing? Was there anything not being covered?

When I took more genuine interest in them and stopped seeing them as people around whom I had to maneuver and who I had to watch out for, my work life became very different.

And I knew that the people who said to run my business like I was in a win-lose poker game were wrong. What a relief!

1/28/07

CONSCIOUS COOPERATION

According to figures shared by the National Association of the Remodeling Industry, roughly one third of all remodeling projects in the United States end up in some form of legal dispute. That is a stunning figure and a huge red flag.

There is so much strife and distrust in the world of construction. So-called “people skills” are often lacking or in short supply. It seems that not much attention is paid to communication and the power of positive intentions and commitment in this industry. Customers and construction professionals alike often approach projects with built-in distrust and tainted expectations. Both sides often feel they have to guard themselves against the other, and therefore many projects begin with at least one strike against mutual success before ground is broken or one nail is driven. What an awful thing to begin in this way.

Conflict does arise. The construction process, from design inception through to final completion, can be an emotional process filled with frequent pressures of different sorts. Even with the best of relationships during the construction process, it is hard not to have some kind of tension that strains the relationships and challenges mutually successful outcomes. Misunderstandings occur, surprises appear, budgets are taxed, and so on. Hopefully the people involved can work out their own disputes. This is ideal. Sometimes help is needed, though.

Alternative dispute resolution, mostly in the form of mediation, is a much more cooperative approach to settling disputes than the contentious use of the legal system. There is the chance for people to come together in a considerably more humane way than through the use of adversarial lawyers. In this process the parties involved are given the opportunity to be heard and to hear the other side. Then they play a large role in crafting their own agreement. Many disputes are settled in this fashion, and often times relationships are preserved or improved.

Yet, there is a deep layer to explore beneath alternative dispute resolution. What about stepping back before a project is even signed to consider all the interests in play? The customer wants a quality product for a fair price. The contractor, subcontractors and all people charged with carrying out a given project want to be paid fairly for quality work. Well, not all people will fall into these categories, but I choose to focus on people who do.

So let’s say that we are starting with essentially honorable people on both sides. Sure, many people seem to feel that honest builders are as plentiful as honest politicians, but the fact is there are plenty of honest people in the construction industry who do quality work, if not outstanding work. And there are plenty of less than fully honorable customers, too. But there are plenty of fine ones who are respectful and understanding and want to have a quality job done.

So we have two sets of essentially honest, well-meaning people. What could help these people to start off on a good, cooperative footing together and continue along in the same fashion? Planning and carrying out a construction project, whether new construction or remodeling, is far more than design and implementation.

In fact, I contend that the people skills component is at least as important as everything that goes into planning and carrying out a project. I learned this to be true in my own building/remodeling business. This evolving knowledge for me resulted in a business that became fed just about totally by direct referrals and repeat business. I am grateful this was and still is the case, and I am convinced that construction/design/development professionals, as well as customers, can benefit from focusing more attention on this under-noted area of the process. The benefits are extensive and often mutual.

Personalities do play a role, yet there are steps that can be taken to deepen the levels of trust and understanding among the people involved, which has to be a good thing. I will further explore the importance of the relationships involved and how they can be improved in upcoming blogs.

I am a builder/mediator/consultant with a lot of life experience behind this whole subject. I welcome your feedback.

Stuart Baker

www.consciouscooperation.com

Some weeks ago I mentioned my friend Steve who is in the middle of a pretty remarkable dance with advanced pancreatic cancer.  The cancer has spread and metastized, but his vital signs are essentially great.  He says that aside from having cancer his health is very good.  A little side door humor, but the fact is he just keeps on going.  To look at him you would not really know.  His worst symptom so far has been fatigue.

He is a strong guy, which is probably part of the root of his already beating the odds for survival of this awful cancer well beyond the usual prognosis.  I think that his attitude has probably been his own best friend.  He remains philosophical and upbeat.  He feels secure knowing that his wife and daughters are provided for and leading active lives.  His chief doctor says that he may actually be able to return to some of his beloved finish carpentry when the new chemo kicks in.  Steve would love this.

This past Sunday there was a big party for him.  He had no idea how many people would be coming, and he never dreamt that so many people cared so much about him.  He actually looked great.  He clearly enjoyed himself, and I think it was good for his wife, too, to experience all the love and support.

The main organizer of the party said that he told Steve that he talked to everyone about the party ahead of time, and “both people said they would come”.  This brought a good laugh.

This week is the final round of an extremely potent chemo treatment.  My girl friend and I both said we hope he is one of the miracles, even though the cancer has spread widely.  He stopped by to visit  today at a job site.  Years ago Steve did some beautiful work at this home.  The owners were happy to see him, too.

In the next several weeks some other sawdust makers and I plan to descend on Steve’s house to do a little work that he has not been able to do, as I mentioned in the previous blog.  And some of us are making a point to simply include Steve in more activities.  He always was more one for work than play, although he always enjoyed “chit-chatting” with friends and customers, as he would say.

So, I would like to humbly and gratefully ask for your good thoughts and good wishes for Steve and his family.  Who knows- maybe he will be one of the living miracles.  That would be a nice thing.

For some reason, my computer does not want to have healthy conversations with itself lately.

When I write and save posts and try to have them in my blog, the synapses are having their

own fun and have not been allowing positive communication.

As soon as this temporary XP sidetrack is worked out, I have some more to share.

Thanks, all. Take good care.

Stuart

I just finished attending two weeks at the remarkable Harvard Negotiation Insight Initiative that I mentioned in the “Learning Edge” blog last week. Wow, what a gift.

People from all over the world came to explore in different ways how to deepen knowledge of self and others, which can be translated into more successful personal and professional relationships, and how to work in a more cooperative fashion in any setting that involves negotiation. The term “negotiation” may be taken in both a specific and a broad way, as participants included attorneys, mediators, consultants and diplomats, business people, educators, medical people, policy makers, and so on. And, it has been said that even ordering dinner in a restaurant is a negotiation.

The exploration of doorways into better knowledge of ourselves and others is not so unusual, but the setting and the implications are. The use of intuition is highlighted, and various practices are used to help foster clearer awareness and connection, within and without. AND, the biggie, there is high enthusiasm to carry the learning and the expansion of spirit back into the world in a big way. The motto of the program is “Spirit in Action”. This is stuff that can change lives. I heard so many people say how they had not been living from their spirit in their work lives.

I had some rich and lively conversations about Conscious Cooperation with different people, and I was able to make fantastic related connections and furthering of connections, all of which I hope produce the fruit that seems to be growing! There is now even more unfolding than I wrote about last time. I am a grateful guy.

When I was just about to leave I got into a conversation with a lovely woman from California who is a nurse. She and I were in the same small group at the end of each day.

She asked what I did, and I told her about Conscious Cooperation. She lit up, said it sounded wonderful, and added that it sounds like the way that she works as a nurse.

Well, son of a gun. I have always known that the basic principles I promote can apply to any human interaction, not just construction-related relationships.

This lady said that she talks directly to her patients about whatever is important. She asks direct questions to make sure they understand what is going on. She tries to step into their slippers, so to speak and perceive what they may be thinking and feeling. She also exudes kindness and caring, along with competence.

She asks the patients what they are wondering about. What scares them? What may not have been explained very well to them? Is there anything she could do for them that has not been done? She was clearly excited about the subject. She was motivated to help make the nursing experience the best she could for her patients. It was great to listen to her. If I were in need of nursing care, I would sure want someone like her providing the care.

During the first week of the program I took a course about working with strong emotions in mediation, instead of trying to sidestep them or hold them down. GREAT course, awfully well presented.

There was a really likable guy from India in that course, who mistakenly showed up in the room, for the wrong course, and decided that it was just meant to be. The funny thing is he didn’t tell us until the third day! Anyway, he stayed, at first believing that the course had little to offer him. In the end, though, he came away very glad he had stayed on. He had some firmly-held notions loosened and came away with a belief that deeper human connection really does have a place in business.

About mid-week during the course he made a statement that corporations must meet financial projections and must follow their plans, and most top brass would not have time for a more humanistic approach to business. After dinner one night the following week he told me that he was bringing home new awareness that he wanted to use. He saw the value of spending time to work in a fashion that places more importance on the people involved and does not see them simply as production units who must function according to company standards or be replaced. He got out of the box. He stretched his traditional thinking, and his heart was touched.

That class was all about directly facing strong emotions as a mediator, both your own and those of clients. We explored our personal histories with strong emotion and how that has affected us today. It was quite a journey.

Of all the strong emotions it was repeated again and again to address fears in our roles as mediators. Get it out on the table.

My daughter and a friend of hers and I were talking yesterday about how I had learned in my business to ask direct questions that involve strong emotion. My daughter’s friend said something like, “Wow, they probably have never been asked about their fears related to a construction project. They probably have never been asked about their fears at all.”

His statement took me up short a bit. I think he is right. It is powerful stuff that can greatly aid the functionality of business relationships, as well as acting as a doorway into deeper personal relationship.

P.S. Is this blog too long for one piece?  As you can tell, I am excited!

My buddy Dawud Miracle tagged me the other day to write about my learning edge, a meme started by Adam Kayce. It is a great question and a term I first heard used by my friend Daniel Stone of Whole System Consulting when we co-facilitated a spiritually-oriented group together. Daniel is busy as a bleeper without blogging or even having a website. He is a wonderful consultant.

Well, Dawud, in perfect synchronicity you caught me while I was in a week of study, connection and heart expansion at Harvard Law School. Yes, “Harvard f**$@&g Law School”, as one of the well-recognized participants said.

The Harvard Negotiation Insight Initiative is a gift-from-above program birthed and directed by a visionary young woman, Erica Ariel Fox. If you click on her “HNII” program, you find her. What I am studying at is the Summer Learning Forum of HNII.

The HNII program is focused on approaching mediation and negotiation from a place of deep wisdom and intuition. Erica once admitted to me that she was beamed in to bring this unique program to Harvard Law. A Harvard Law graduate herself, Erica lives to spread peace, light and collaboration in the world through deeper knowing of self and others and expansion of our capacities to resonate with others. The first time I heard her speak I asked myself, “Who IS this woman?” I am blessed to know her.

The focus of HNII and the Summer Learning Forum is the stuff that you, Dawud, and Adam, and Mark Silver and thankfully many others are all about. You just don’t tend to expect to find it at Harvard Law School.

Being a mediator with a major spiritual bent, and given that my Conscious Cooperation arm of my life is all about spreading cooperation and harmony in relation to the world of construction, the Divine wisdom led me to find Erica and her program.

I just spent a week in a course zeroed-in on using strong emotions in mediation as the very doorway to deeper knowing, healing and resolution. SUPERIOR stuff. Not to mention the deep connections, the powerful small groups, the fun.

Erica had me meet with her sister, Amy Fox of Mobius Executive Leadership in Cambridge, MA. Amy graciously offered to assist me with connections to aid my venture to see if I can help with the awful atmosphere between contractors and property owners in New Orleans. I will write more about this in an upcoming blog, but I am gathering my contacts and support/wisdom team to make my initial exploratory trip there, hopefully by September. Two HNII alums also offered from their hearts to come and help me. AND, another biggie, the incomparable Ken Cloke is planning a mediation initiative in New Orleans aimed at youth at risk as part of his Mediators Without Borders. Ken told me to give him information on what I am doing, and we will see if we can link up.

Ken and Erica Fox are my two heroes in the field of heart-based mediation. So to have them on my side in my venture in New Orleans, while I also keep learning from both of them, is huge for me. My gratitude and wonder are at the top of the chart. And, my two instructors this week want to see what I have in my Conscious Cooperation bin about harmony in commercial construction, as they have a contract to consult with the largest construction company in Austria. They might be able to use my approach. I hope so!

Dawud, you didn’t know what you were getting into by tagging me, did you? I am saying a lot here, but it is all so present for me.

Next week I am in another learning program at HNII.

Am I high? Yeah.

On the book and study end, I am reading a powerful short book called “If You Want to Walk on Water You Have to Get Out of the Boat” by John Ortberg. It is about putting your faith into action and hearing and answering your personal calling. Fears allowed. Great book.

A few more books from the Harvard Program are: “Meditation in a New York Minute” by Mark Thornton. Mark is an utter gas. DEEP, calm, mischievous guy. Wonderful teacher, rich human being. Well worth the look. I also bought “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert and “Life and Holiness” by Thomas Merton.

I am also reading “Speaking of Success”, which I received through a real estate investment program I am in. There is a lot of wisdom in the book and great personal stories. Again, much about finding personal mission and taking action, although the “Walk on Water” book is more clearly spiritually oriented. One of the experts interviewed, Jay Wallus, was about five feet away from me giving a riotous yet right-on motivational talk. He kept repeating, “Who’s making these rules?” He owns a consulting business outside Boston called Street Smart.

As noted above I have been studying and dipping my toes into real estate investment, which is a natural fit for a builder/consultant.

AND, last but certainly not least, I keep working on my active relationship with my deepest Self, which is my biggest learning edge. That one fuels all the other “edges”.

Thanks, Dawud. I hope I didn’t flood you. Ain’t too much moss gathering in my life right now.

I tag Mark Silver, Karin H. and Kent Blumberg

The horror of the Virginia Tech slayings has rocked the world. 

The nation of South Korea is expressing shame and shock that one of its citizens has done such a thing.  People everywhere are left dumbfounded.  The US is under fire for its gun laws that permitted the very disturbed young man to buy guns.

Looking at his bitter and bitterly determined face, you can feel the hatred and the focused, seething emotions inside.

I can’t begin to feel the depth of the pain and the outrage for the families and friends of the victims, nor for the pain of the family of the young man who carried out the killings.

So, is this about gun laws?  No, not primarily.  It is about connection and disconnection.  It is about alienation.  It is about a heart so choked off from others that Cho Seung-Hui believed his only recourse was to methodically massacre people he didn’t even know.  It is not about Asians or whites or blacks or Hispanics. 

In this increasingly technological and pressured world, it can be difficult to focus on connection with others.  Yet, it is the connection with others that creates richness in life and defines part of the core value of being alive.

What we offer to the world is based on the depth of what we can share of ourselves.  It is based on our integrity and our caring.  It is based on our vulnerability and the extent to which we can really take in others.

Our daily lives, our businesses are based on connection with others.  The world will survive based on the depth of our connections and the depth of our living from our hearts.  Cho Seung-Hui’s case is one of horribly extreme disconnection.

It is a time to mourn and also a time to be more committed than ever to deepen our connections with others.

I welcome any thoughts.