1/28/07

CONSCIOUS COOPERATION

According to figures shared by the National Association of the Remodeling Industry, roughly one third of all remodeling projects in the United States end up in some form of legal dispute. That is a stunning figure and a huge red flag.

There is so much strife and distrust in the world of construction. So-called “people skills” are often lacking or in short supply. It seems that not much attention is paid to communication and the power of positive intentions and commitment in this industry. Customers and construction professionals alike often approach projects with built-in distrust and tainted expectations. Both sides often feel they have to guard themselves against the other, and therefore many projects begin with at least one strike against mutual success before ground is broken or one nail is driven. What an awful thing to begin in this way.

Conflict does arise. The construction process, from design inception through to final completion, can be an emotional process filled with frequent pressures of different sorts. Even with the best of relationships during the construction process, it is hard not to have some kind of tension that strains the relationships and challenges mutually successful outcomes. Misunderstandings occur, surprises appear, budgets are taxed, and so on. Hopefully the people involved can work out their own disputes. This is ideal. Sometimes help is needed, though.

Alternative dispute resolution, mostly in the form of mediation, is a much more cooperative approach to settling disputes than the contentious use of the legal system. There is the chance for people to come together in a considerably more humane way than through the use of adversarial lawyers. In this process the parties involved are given the opportunity to be heard and to hear the other side. Then they play a large role in crafting their own agreement. Many disputes are settled in this fashion, and often times relationships are preserved or improved.

Yet, there is a deep layer to explore beneath alternative dispute resolution. What about stepping back before a project is even signed to consider all the interests in play? The customer wants a quality product for a fair price. The contractor, subcontractors and all people charged with carrying out a given project want to be paid fairly for quality work. Well, not all people will fall into these categories, but I choose to focus on people who do.

So let’s say that we are starting with essentially honorable people on both sides. Sure, many people seem to feel that honest builders are as plentiful as honest politicians, but the fact is there are plenty of honest people in the construction industry who do quality work, if not outstanding work. And there are plenty of less than fully honorable customers, too. But there are plenty of fine ones who are respectful and understanding and want to have a quality job done.

So we have two sets of essentially honest, well-meaning people. What could help these people to start off on a good, cooperative footing together and continue along in the same fashion? Planning and carrying out a construction project, whether new construction or remodeling, is far more than design and implementation.

In fact, I contend that the people skills component is at least as important as everything that goes into planning and carrying out a project. I learned this to be true in my own building/remodeling business. This evolving knowledge for me resulted in a business that became fed just about totally by direct referrals and repeat business. I am grateful this was and still is the case, and I am convinced that construction/design/development professionals, as well as customers, can benefit from focusing more attention on this under-noted area of the process. The benefits are extensive and often mutual.

Personalities do play a role, yet there are steps that can be taken to deepen the levels of trust and understanding among the people involved, which has to be a good thing. I will further explore the importance of the relationships involved and how they can be improved in upcoming blogs.

I am a builder/mediator/consultant with a lot of life experience behind this whole subject. I welcome your feedback.

Stuart Baker

www.consciouscooperation.com

Some weeks ago I mentioned my friend Steve who is in the middle of a pretty remarkable dance with advanced pancreatic cancer.  The cancer has spread and metastized, but his vital signs are essentially great.  He says that aside from having cancer his health is very good.  A little side door humor, but the fact is he just keeps on going.  To look at him you would not really know.  His worst symptom so far has been fatigue.

He is a strong guy, which is probably part of the root of his already beating the odds for survival of this awful cancer well beyond the usual prognosis.  I think that his attitude has probably been his own best friend.  He remains philosophical and upbeat.  He feels secure knowing that his wife and daughters are provided for and leading active lives.  His chief doctor says that he may actually be able to return to some of his beloved finish carpentry when the new chemo kicks in.  Steve would love this.

This past Sunday there was a big party for him.  He had no idea how many people would be coming, and he never dreamt that so many people cared so much about him.  He actually looked great.  He clearly enjoyed himself, and I think it was good for his wife, too, to experience all the love and support.

The main organizer of the party said that he told Steve that he talked to everyone about the party ahead of time, and “both people said they would come”.  This brought a good laugh.

This week is the final round of an extremely potent chemo treatment.  My girl friend and I both said we hope he is one of the miracles, even though the cancer has spread widely.  He stopped by to visit  today at a job site.  Years ago Steve did some beautiful work at this home.  The owners were happy to see him, too.

In the next several weeks some other sawdust makers and I plan to descend on Steve’s house to do a little work that he has not been able to do, as I mentioned in the previous blog.  And some of us are making a point to simply include Steve in more activities.  He always was more one for work than play, although he always enjoyed “chit-chatting” with friends and customers, as he would say.

So, I would like to humbly and gratefully ask for your good thoughts and good wishes for Steve and his family.  Who knows- maybe he will be one of the living miracles.  That would be a nice thing.

For some reason, my computer does not want to have healthy conversations with itself lately.

When I write and save posts and try to have them in my blog, the synapses are having their

own fun and have not been allowing positive communication.

As soon as this temporary XP sidetrack is worked out, I have some more to share.

Thanks, all. Take good care.

Stuart

I just finished attending two weeks at the remarkable Harvard Negotiation Insight Initiative that I mentioned in the “Learning Edge” blog last week. Wow, what a gift.

People from all over the world came to explore in different ways how to deepen knowledge of self and others, which can be translated into more successful personal and professional relationships, and how to work in a more cooperative fashion in any setting that involves negotiation. The term “negotiation” may be taken in both a specific and a broad way, as participants included attorneys, mediators, consultants and diplomats, business people, educators, medical people, policy makers, and so on. And, it has been said that even ordering dinner in a restaurant is a negotiation.

The exploration of doorways into better knowledge of ourselves and others is not so unusual, but the setting and the implications are. The use of intuition is highlighted, and various practices are used to help foster clearer awareness and connection, within and without. AND, the biggie, there is high enthusiasm to carry the learning and the expansion of spirit back into the world in a big way. The motto of the program is “Spirit in Action”. This is stuff that can change lives. I heard so many people say how they had not been living from their spirit in their work lives.

I had some rich and lively conversations about Conscious Cooperation with different people, and I was able to make fantastic related connections and furthering of connections, all of which I hope produce the fruit that seems to be growing! There is now even more unfolding than I wrote about last time. I am a grateful guy.

When I was just about to leave I got into a conversation with a lovely woman from California who is a nurse. She and I were in the same small group at the end of each day.

She asked what I did, and I told her about Conscious Cooperation. She lit up, said it sounded wonderful, and added that it sounds like the way that she works as a nurse.

Well, son of a gun. I have always known that the basic principles I promote can apply to any human interaction, not just construction-related relationships.

This lady said that she talks directly to her patients about whatever is important. She asks direct questions to make sure they understand what is going on. She tries to step into their slippers, so to speak and perceive what they may be thinking and feeling. She also exudes kindness and caring, along with competence.

She asks the patients what they are wondering about. What scares them? What may not have been explained very well to them? Is there anything she could do for them that has not been done? She was clearly excited about the subject. She was motivated to help make the nursing experience the best she could for her patients. It was great to listen to her. If I were in need of nursing care, I would sure want someone like her providing the care.

During the first week of the program I took a course about working with strong emotions in mediation, instead of trying to sidestep them or hold them down. GREAT course, awfully well presented.

There was a really likable guy from India in that course, who mistakenly showed up in the room, for the wrong course, and decided that it was just meant to be. The funny thing is he didn’t tell us until the third day! Anyway, he stayed, at first believing that the course had little to offer him. In the end, though, he came away very glad he had stayed on. He had some firmly-held notions loosened and came away with a belief that deeper human connection really does have a place in business.

About mid-week during the course he made a statement that corporations must meet financial projections and must follow their plans, and most top brass would not have time for a more humanistic approach to business. After dinner one night the following week he told me that he was bringing home new awareness that he wanted to use. He saw the value of spending time to work in a fashion that places more importance on the people involved and does not see them simply as production units who must function according to company standards or be replaced. He got out of the box. He stretched his traditional thinking, and his heart was touched.

That class was all about directly facing strong emotions as a mediator, both your own and those of clients. We explored our personal histories with strong emotion and how that has affected us today. It was quite a journey.

Of all the strong emotions it was repeated again and again to address fears in our roles as mediators. Get it out on the table.

My daughter and a friend of hers and I were talking yesterday about how I had learned in my business to ask direct questions that involve strong emotion. My daughter’s friend said something like, “Wow, they probably have never been asked about their fears related to a construction project. They probably have never been asked about their fears at all.”

His statement took me up short a bit. I think he is right. It is powerful stuff that can greatly aid the functionality of business relationships, as well as acting as a doorway into deeper personal relationship.

P.S. Is this blog too long for one piece?  As you can tell, I am excited!

My buddy Dawud Miracle tagged me the other day to write about my learning edge, a meme started by Adam Kayce. It is a great question and a term I first heard used by my friend Daniel Stone of Whole System Consulting when we co-facilitated a spiritually-oriented group together. Daniel is busy as a bleeper without blogging or even having a website. He is a wonderful consultant.

Well, Dawud, in perfect synchronicity you caught me while I was in a week of study, connection and heart expansion at Harvard Law School. Yes, “Harvard f**$@&g Law School”, as one of the well-recognized participants said.

The Harvard Negotiation Insight Initiative is a gift-from-above program birthed and directed by a visionary young woman, Erica Ariel Fox. If you click on her “HNII” program, you find her. What I am studying at is the Summer Learning Forum of HNII.

The HNII program is focused on approaching mediation and negotiation from a place of deep wisdom and intuition. Erica once admitted to me that she was beamed in to bring this unique program to Harvard Law. A Harvard Law graduate herself, Erica lives to spread peace, light and collaboration in the world through deeper knowing of self and others and expansion of our capacities to resonate with others. The first time I heard her speak I asked myself, “Who IS this woman?” I am blessed to know her.

The focus of HNII and the Summer Learning Forum is the stuff that you, Dawud, and Adam, and Mark Silver and thankfully many others are all about. You just don’t tend to expect to find it at Harvard Law School.

Being a mediator with a major spiritual bent, and given that my Conscious Cooperation arm of my life is all about spreading cooperation and harmony in relation to the world of construction, the Divine wisdom led me to find Erica and her program.

I just spent a week in a course zeroed-in on using strong emotions in mediation as the very doorway to deeper knowing, healing and resolution. SUPERIOR stuff. Not to mention the deep connections, the powerful small groups, the fun.

Erica had me meet with her sister, Amy Fox of Mobius Executive Leadership in Cambridge, MA. Amy graciously offered to assist me with connections to aid my venture to see if I can help with the awful atmosphere between contractors and property owners in New Orleans. I will write more about this in an upcoming blog, but I am gathering my contacts and support/wisdom team to make my initial exploratory trip there, hopefully by September. Two HNII alums also offered from their hearts to come and help me. AND, another biggie, the incomparable Ken Cloke is planning a mediation initiative in New Orleans aimed at youth at risk as part of his Mediators Without Borders. Ken told me to give him information on what I am doing, and we will see if we can link up.

Ken and Erica Fox are my two heroes in the field of heart-based mediation. So to have them on my side in my venture in New Orleans, while I also keep learning from both of them, is huge for me. My gratitude and wonder are at the top of the chart. And, my two instructors this week want to see what I have in my Conscious Cooperation bin about harmony in commercial construction, as they have a contract to consult with the largest construction company in Austria. They might be able to use my approach. I hope so!

Dawud, you didn’t know what you were getting into by tagging me, did you? I am saying a lot here, but it is all so present for me.

Next week I am in another learning program at HNII.

Am I high? Yeah.

On the book and study end, I am reading a powerful short book called “If You Want to Walk on Water You Have to Get Out of the Boat” by John Ortberg. It is about putting your faith into action and hearing and answering your personal calling. Fears allowed. Great book.

A few more books from the Harvard Program are: “Meditation in a New York Minute” by Mark Thornton. Mark is an utter gas. DEEP, calm, mischievous guy. Wonderful teacher, rich human being. Well worth the look. I also bought “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert and “Life and Holiness” by Thomas Merton.

I am also reading “Speaking of Success”, which I received through a real estate investment program I am in. There is a lot of wisdom in the book and great personal stories. Again, much about finding personal mission and taking action, although the “Walk on Water” book is more clearly spiritually oriented. One of the experts interviewed, Jay Wallus, was about five feet away from me giving a riotous yet right-on motivational talk. He kept repeating, “Who’s making these rules?” He owns a consulting business outside Boston called Street Smart.

As noted above I have been studying and dipping my toes into real estate investment, which is a natural fit for a builder/consultant.

AND, last but certainly not least, I keep working on my active relationship with my deepest Self, which is my biggest learning edge. That one fuels all the other “edges”.

Thanks, Dawud. I hope I didn’t flood you. Ain’t too much moss gathering in my life right now.

I tag Mark Silver, Karin H. and Kent Blumberg

The horror of the Virginia Tech slayings has rocked the world. 

The nation of South Korea is expressing shame and shock that one of its citizens has done such a thing.  People everywhere are left dumbfounded.  The US is under fire for its gun laws that permitted the very disturbed young man to buy guns.

Looking at his bitter and bitterly determined face, you can feel the hatred and the focused, seething emotions inside.

I can’t begin to feel the depth of the pain and the outrage for the families and friends of the victims, nor for the pain of the family of the young man who carried out the killings.

So, is this about gun laws?  No, not primarily.  It is about connection and disconnection.  It is about alienation.  It is about a heart so choked off from others that Cho Seung-Hui believed his only recourse was to methodically massacre people he didn’t even know.  It is not about Asians or whites or blacks or Hispanics. 

In this increasingly technological and pressured world, it can be difficult to focus on connection with others.  Yet, it is the connection with others that creates richness in life and defines part of the core value of being alive.

What we offer to the world is based on the depth of what we can share of ourselves.  It is based on our integrity and our caring.  It is based on our vulnerability and the extent to which we can really take in others.

Our daily lives, our businesses are based on connection with others.  The world will survive based on the depth of our connections and the depth of our living from our hearts.  Cho Seung-Hui’s case is one of horribly extreme disconnection.

It is a time to mourn and also a time to be more committed than ever to deepen our connections with others.

I welcome any thoughts.

What is it that you are known for?

How do you see yourself in your business and in your life?

Does your reputation really reflect who you think or know you are deep inside?

I am asking these things because Dave Schoof of www.thedisquiet.com “tagged” me to list my ten main lifelong goals, post them and tag some other people to list their goals. So this has gotten me thinking along the lines of when I am a memory on this earth, what would I like to be known for?

My deepest goals all revolve around how I want to live in generosity, gratitude and kindness to others. You know the old sayings about how when you die would you want to be known for being a warm, generous, thoughtful human being or a financially successful SOB. Or would you want to be known for having worked yourself to death, etc., etc…..

I hope to have left as much light in the world as I can while living in spontaneity and wonder with this amazing thing we call our life. I hope to have touched some lives to live and work in greater harmony, recognizing the fulfillment and natural abundance of treating one another as best we can. Of course there will be conflict, and I certainly have not always been a model representative of my own message, but maybe that is why I am so conscious of it, too.

And that got me thinking about business reputation in light of the core of who we are. Are you living your core values in your business? If you aren’t, I am sure you are feeling the “disquiet” that Dave Schoof works with so perceptively.

After a couple of years of tentatively accepting what others said about customers just waiting to take advantage at any turn if they could, and knowing that this did not feel good at all, I took the chance to do my business more and more from the place of guidance in my gut. My gut said just be honest, speak directly to the issues at hand, make customers and associates laugh, be kindhearted and thoughtful, and so on. And be more and more skilled at what I did.

Well, sigh, thank God, this was my truth, and it yielded some wonderful results. As I was being more who I really was, people responded to that. Barriers dropped. Mutual appreciation soared. The heck with the conventional business wisdom of protecting yourself first and foremost, and you need an “angle”.

I watch people I value a lot, such as Dave I have mentioned here, Dawud Miracle of www.dmiracle.com Mark Silver of www.heartofbusiness.com Adam Kayce of www.workingmonk.com and some others as their lives are exploding in connection and goodness as they take the leap to live more and more from their deepest gut. I also want to give a nod to Karin at www.thekissbusiness.co.uk/ Karin has taken the service level of her business deep inside, and her flooring business spreads a lot of goodness in the world while it helps cover horizontal surfaces.

Doing business in a spirit of great generosity and integrity while spreading more light in this life; wow, it is good stuff. And it snowballs.

The possibilities are literally endless.

Karin from the UK followed a thread of discussion on a recent posting about being comfortable in your own skin and said that our clients know if we are comfortable with ourselves or if we are trying to fit into a role. She said that this self-comfort is the cornerstone of trust.

That is a great point.

And trust is a major cornerstone of a comfortable, successful relationship with a client. How do you know when a client trusts you? Have you ever had prospective or new clients look at you a little sideways as if waiting for you to do something that could confirm the stereotyped picture of the untrustworthy building professional?

They look at you a little like, “God, is this person actually for real? A builder I can trust? A builder who actually wants me to be pleased?” I have seen this look of wonderment at times with people who I knew wanted to be sure they could trust me, and it was clear they wanted to trust me. So it was up to me to prove they could trust me. Once they did, what rewarding relationships often developed! Many of them let me know they felt I always had their best interest at heart.

Their trust made me feel awfully good working with them. It also helped the jobs go well, and it fed the referral network. One lady related to me how she told one of her friends that I called her and her husband early every morning to check in, give a quick update and ask questions while I was building their house. Her friend said, “WHAT? He calls you every morning? You’ve gotta be kidding! Is he for real?”

God, such a general reputation of untrustworthiness that we have in the construction industry!

Karin, thanks for the inspiration. Does anyone have anything to add? Even a good story about trust?

Recently I interviewed Mike Duffany, a very successful builder from the town where I lived for twenty-six years. I wanted his take on the whole people end of the world of construction.

Mike and I were competitors for years, but along the way we talked about various aspects of running our businesses and we shared information. He does a real good job and has a strong reputation. He usually works in the upper end of the market.

The interview went on for quite a while. He said that paying attention to the human relations aspect of the business is crucial. He admitted that it took him a while to realize that he had to attend to this realm as well with his customers as he did with his employees, but he got it.

He agreed that customers who feel trust and comfort in their builder make for smoother, happier jobs. And employees who feel valued make for a better business. As Mike said, as a builder he is represented by the guys he has working for him. Mike makes a point to take very good care of people who work with him.

When we were near ending our talk I asked him for one or two main points he would say as words of advice.

Right away he said to attend to the details and be clear about them!

This fit right into what I wrote recently in a posting about questions and assumptions. Mike said to nail down as many details as possible as quickly as possible, especially since many things have to be ordered ahead of time. How to get there is to keep asking questions and in a sense giving out homework for the customers to make choices that are not yet made.

I have certainly found this to be true myself, even to the point of going over architect’s specs with the customers just to double check. One wealthy customer told me that the architect was not listening to her regarding certain things, and she didn’t really like what he had chosen. I said to her, “With all due respect to you and the architect, this is YOUR house. I want you to be pleased.”

In short, attending to the details in a timely fashion is an important contributor to smooth jobs, good customer relations and a solid reputation.

Does anyone have more to add about this?

I have a new friend named Dave Schoof. He is an executive coach.

Dave has been focusing on unease in men, or the “disquiet”, as he calls it. It is the “Something just isn’t right” syndrome. He is a guy who has found his passion and loves sharing it. If you want to check it out, he has a great website and related blog site at www.thedisquiet.com He gets into things that I think that most guys experience to some degree but are not used to discussing. It is important stuff.

The reason I bring this up is that I have a lot of admiration for Dave, for his wisdom and for what he is doing. He is becoming part of my network of prized people with whom I can share what really matters to me. And they do it with me. We can also share doubts, fears and goofups, things that maybe guys aren’t normally too comfortable sharing. For me this can be tremendously freeing. I end up feeling expanded if this sharing is done with the right people, and it goes both ways.

The John Wayne thing or the Sylvester Stallone thing of taking charge and no questions asked can make for good movie viewing, but how much of the world really works that way? Should it?

Being confident is fantastic. Being decisive is really called for sometimes. But being that way in too much of a vacuum can lead to lots of trouble. There are times to listen to others, times where it is valuable to have feedback and other opinions. Times to ask more questions.

It felt awfully good to me to become more and more confident as a builder, and part of that confidence was getting comfortable telling customers I didn’t have an answer right away to some of their questions, and I would find out an answer. And I liked that in general I came to feel pretty darned good about how I did my job.

Being self employed in the field of construction can be a LOT of responsibility, and usually pressure. As a general contractor/carpenter I have been acutely aware of this. Subcontractors, architects, realtors, developers; anybody connected with construction has their own sets of pressures, although maybe as general contractors we want to feel sometimes that because we are responsible for the whole enchilada we have it the worst. That’s a debate for around the lunch wagon, though.

Regardless of where you fit into the construction world, do you have people you can defuse with, people who will support you and hopefully also tell you honestly if they think you are on the wrong track with something? I am suggesting more than just gripe sessions or sessions for war stories.

Dave, who I mentioned above, urges guys to find ways to be supported. It is tough to go it alone, or under-supported.

Dave just interviewed me for a broadcast through his site. I will post the information about the interview. It should be available soon. It was quite an experience being interviewed by him.

Here is to building a healthy network!